I realized that I had a thing for guys cause I had a big crush on a boy in my reading class. It's not like I put too much thought into it. I mean I was all of 11, 12 years old?
But then 7th grade came around and I began to acknowledge sexual orientation. I NEVER thought about being with a girl. I always had my eyes on the nerdy cute guy that would always have his nose buried in a book. Being gay was something I realized about myself and that I somewhat had an understanding about.
Then 8th grade came around and I still had the thought process of me being gay in the back of my head. However, I got more involved in my church's youth group. And as you can imagine, I began to get the S#%$ scared out of me. When they (the pastor or youth leaders) talked about gay people, they always said they were of the devil and that they would never inherit the kingdom of God. That they were wicked people. So with me being scared, I started to hide the fact that I was gay and I tried to fight who I was. The more I got involved with church, the more scared I became. "I'm going to hell," I would think to myself. And that TERRIFIED me.
With life passing by and now being in 9th grade, I finally told my mom about my first sexual encounter with a guy. I don't know WHAT got into me to tell her, but I did. Everyone at church was telling me I couldn't live like this and that I can "change". So I was on my high horse about "changing". Going to counseling and talking to all these christian like people for insight on my "issue". I may have looked like I was getting help, but that's only cause I'm good at hiding my emotions. I was just becoming more scared than ever because I still had that thought in the back of my mind saying you're going to hell if you don't "change" cause that's what I was told all the time. I came to the point where I would get mad at myself, blaming me for being gay or asking God "why me?!?!?!?" I would scream when I was home alone and break down in tears. A lot of times, I would cry myself to sleep at night.
However, it wasn't till 11th grade that I had a mental breakdown. My mom and I were driving back from Wal-Mart, and I simply told her, "I've got something to tell you." So she pulled over and I started crying saying, "I'm going to hell, there's no hope." My mom being the optimistic person that she is said, "you're not going to hell." "We're going to get through this." But I still felt indifferent. I don't think she realized how much being gay impacted my life until we got home and she came into my room and I was curled up in a ball hugging my pillow and crying. She just looked at me and said, "come here, give me a hug." It's funny how being embraced in your moms arms, can make everything seem okay. It was one of those moments that just seem to stop so we could take it all in. But when she left and closed the door, I could retain myself. My legs felt weak, as did my body, and I just fell to the floor and curled up while I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I felt like crap. Didn't want to get out of bed. Just wanted to lay in bed and soak in my tears. I was tired, physically drained, and emotionally unstable at that moment. My day was drossy and I didn't want to put any effort into anything I did. I wanted to give up on everything and not care anymore. I was done fighting with being gay cause I've fought for too long. Later on during the evening, I'm sure you can imagine that I did think and ponder on the thought of taking my own life. So I got in the tub, filled it up and went under. I was under the water and all I had to do was open my mouth and take it all in. But I couldn't. Right as I opened my mouth and was about to inhale, something in me told me to stop. I later told my mom about trying to kill myself, and she said that was the chicken way out of life. She told me I was going to face hard times in life, but that's how it is. I'm gonna get through whatever is tossed at me. I don't care what it is.
But. Fast forward to now, and I'm LOVING life! In the past I dated girls so I wouldn't seem gay to people, and I feel horrible for that. I wasted their time cause I had no interest in them. I used them, which is completely unfair and disrespectful to them. But I couldn't hide who I was any longer. So when it was National Come Out Day, I figured I'd do it. I talked to my ex girl friends and told them I was SO sorry. They were fine with it though. SHOCKING to me. I was thinking I was going to get my A#$ kicked! But they said they already had a clue that I was gay. They made it very clear that they didn't hate me or think any less of me. I just wish I wouldn't have dated any girls and would have stayed true to being me.
And for the record, there is nothing wrong with being gay. All you "CHRISTIANS" out there need to step off of your high holly house, and not tell gay people that God hates us, cause you're TOTALLY wrong! You're hypocrites. You're called to love everyone and not to hate for hate is in the heart of fools. I don't understand why you open the church doors to murders, rapist, and so many other people, but you close the doors on gays?? And the funny thing is, you think God's okay with that. Don't put someone down for being who they are. You can't take that from them. It's the most precious thing in life to have. Your uniqueness. And today, I'm proud to say I'm gay. I don't care what you think of me cause I have NO affect on your life whatsoever. So leave me alone. The happy days are here again. But this time, they're here to stay. Be yourself. love who you want to. live life. but most important, love don't hate.
